Silences

There's so much to say, but it's identifying, so I choose not to say it here.

There's so much I can't say because it's not mine to say.

I can say this: these days, I lead an apparently normal life and dream of earthquakes, hurricanes, and floods, because so much of what I tried to believe in has turned out not to be true, and the truth is so painful.

After more than two decades, I find that my primary relationship was a commitment on my side only. Many fears have turned out to be true, and all the hopes have proven false. What's left is the fact of having spent nearly half my life with, and given up any hope of having a family for, someone who was both profoundly ambivalent and deeply dishonest about the ambivalence. He is now honest about the ambivalence and about many things he had kept hidden. I see now why I was angry without knowing why.

The truth sets us free. The truth is not ever guaranteed to be comforting. I'm not sure yet what the freedom is for.